I Do Have An Ego!

I DO Have An Ego!

I didn’t write a blog last week.  Well, I wrote it. I just didn’t post it. 

And worse, I cancelled the ClassicAdams.com domain name too. 

Worse than that, I tore up all the notes I had made for any forth coming blogs. 

But worst of all, I did all of this because of my ego. Up until this point I wasn’t even sure I had one but I do! And it is big, freaking fragile and yet it seems specific to only my writing.

The essence of the blog I had intended to post last week was about a recent performance and the closest I had come to bowing. It’s up on the site now but just in case you’d like to read it you can find it here. It might be a good idea to let your eyes meander over it before you carry on with this one but please come back…

You came back!

The version you saw is mine. It is probably draft three, maybe four. I try not to dwell on the words once they are written. Once written and read through and a second draft done I am as happy with content as I can be, as a few readers had told me, they can almost hear me telling the story. I am not fabulous with compliments – receiving, I am immense at handing them out – but to be told my voice can be heard through my words is one I would take with both hands.

However, it soon becomes impossible to correct one’s work after it’s been looked at a few times. Mistakes, even the biggest, will often get missed. Fortunately, I have Lyn in my life and as well as being beautiful and witty she is incredibly smart and offered to proof read each blog I write.

Last week’s blog, I Almost Bowed, was emailed back to me and the whole thing seemed to be in a different colour. When you edit or proof on Pages the original text is black and changes are easy to spot because the paragraph where the change exists has a yellow line beside it and the new text is also in yellow.

The whole document was in yellow.

Well it wasn’t, that is my ego rearing its ugly head. Again. Most of it was yellow. I read it and I loved it. It was a million times better than mine but it lacked my voice. If these blogs had been homework that last one would  have seen me expelled for cheating. 

You want to read that version too don’t you? Fine, it’s here.

It’s important that you know I got over this feeling of anger and disappointment. 

Maybe not 100% so if you prefer Lyn’s version please keep that to yourself!

As well as cancelling everything to do with Classic Adams I was vocal in my self appraisal as a writer and once again lumped my Dad’s name into the conversation. Which wasn’t even a conversation at all as this was all going on over WhatsApp.

“Stop comparing yourself to your father!” Lyn told me.

In many ways that was sound advice. I do this a lot. I would love to be looked at the same way Dad was, is. I’d love to be able to come up with jokes like Dad did, garner the reaction from both comedians and audiences just as he did. In my head there is nothing wrong to wanting to be  like my Dad. 

But this isn’t what Lyn was saying. This need to be like Dad was crippling my confidence, a confidence that was already fragile. My whole career I have been in fear of appearing cocky. I have worked so hard to avoid this trait that I exude a self doubt that leaves many wondering why I have even been asked to do anything that involves humour.

I realised Lyn had made changes from the heart, to make the blog better. She is the single most caring, sensitive and considerate soul I know. Lyn had spent ages on this blog and my reaction was to digitally throw it back in her face. No one knows me like Lyn. The subject was dropped together with the threat from me that I was done with writing but you can bet your life Lyn knew I’d be behind the keyboard soon enough preparing more words for her to edit and you guys to enjoy. 

Wow, no inverted commas around that ‘enjoy’. My ego is truly flying.

Yet here I am writing again with my nose smack bang central on my face having not been cut off in spite of anything.

The domain was safely secured as it turns out there is a cooling off period and luckily for me my ego is in check just enough to never let the stewards in to clean up my cabin so there, in the bin, were several bits of torn up paper ready for retrieval.

This blog is over and in some ways it feels more like a Classic Adams blog than any of the earlier ones. 

I hadn’t quite cut my nose off to spite my face but it was dangling dangerously close to it. I do that a lot. 

Then I apologised, profusely. I do that too.

 I learned from my mistake. I could do that more.

I wrote about it. Of course I did. 

And I will write again next week.

Comments 6

  1. For Lyn to say what she did about comparing yourself to Charlie was justified. You can’t walk in his shoes but you can hold your creatively charged head up and walk beside him, with your own special talent.
    He would be beyond proud of you.
    As Tess and Claudia say each on Strictly each week
    ‘ Keeeeep writing’
    Obviously they don’t ..but I bet they’re thinking it ❣️

    1. The thing I love about you Paul is that people get to know YOU on stage, through your comedy, your personality, your honesty. You tell the truth and hide nothing from us.
      As a friend, I admire your on stage persona and comedy style which shares familiar everyday life situations with anger putting Larry David to shame. You are unique, your dad was too, but both different and both extremely gifted in the comedy world.

      You deserve an ego, you’ve worked hard for it and humorous as it is, it has got you to where you are today, wherever you are today? Somewhere in the world, drinking coffee, reading a book and making 1000’s of people laugh weekly!
      Your blogs are fascinatingly genius and should be a TV or Radio Show! Please don’t delete these blogs because they really are Classic Adams!!!!
      Thanks to Lyn for making the blogs what they were too recently x
      Well done mate, Take a bow… or don’t

  2. I enjoyed reading your blog above and I agree with Lyn that you shouldn’t compare yourself to your Dad. I’ve known you a long time Paul and it is great to see you gaining more and more self confidence. You deserve it and have worked very hard for it and to be where you are today. You’ll always have your Dad in the back of your mind and I really believe that he would be ever so proud of you and the career that you have created yourself with the mentoring and tutoring of your Dad while he was here. You should have an ego so keep doing what you are doing as you do a brilliant job at it.

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