My height varies depending on who you ask. Me? I’d confidently tell you I am a shade under six foot but that confidence is waning. My strapping six footer of a son tells me I am simply ‘short’ and my diabetic nurse back in 2019 recorded it at five eleven and a half, although on my last visit she mentioned five eleven dead so needless to say my next diabetic review is with a different nurse.
I weigh in at 85 kilograms, which is perhaps 188 pounds. Wait, there is a calculator on my phone…187 pounds, damn it. Thirteen stone three pounds for those of you reading this in imperial.
I have a shaved head and one nice looking beard. It is jet black with a healthy dollop of grey on the chin. If Dad were still alive he’d say ‘strawberry blond’ but I like the grey because it ages me, so much so that the days of me being recognised as an entertainer on the ship based purely on my young looks are long gone. I finally fit in and my grey beard is a big reason for that.
I am an Aries. I am caucasian. I like rugby, books, coffee and music. My favourite season is winter, my preferred crisp is the M&S Cheesy Puff and it’ll always be a Big Feast when asked about an ice cream. For a take away I’d plump for a Chinese but if I am eating in a restaurant I would always pick Itsu! Scotland, Argentina and Italy are all high on my list of places I would like to revisit. Granted none of these are physical but it does help you put together a much fuller pictu – KIDS – I do like my kids – picture of me.
I am telling you this not because I am looking for a date but for this particular Classic Adams blog it is vitally important you know how I look.
I was docked in Kochi, in the South East of Japan and after a morning spent wandering around Kochi Castle I was on the lookout for coffee. The greatest part about arriving in a port for the first time is it affords me perhaps my greatest ‘like’: a quest for the town’s best coffee.
I couldn’t help but notice the couple walking towards me. Two heavy set people standing around five foot six inches tall. The woman had hair the colour of which I know not, there was a camera around her neck and she was loaded down with souvenirs homed in an ‘I Heart Japan’ tote bag. New Balance trainers and tracksuit bottoms added to the look that was topped off by a lovely orange sweater with a tie dyed rainbow across the chest area.
Which brings me nicely onto her husband. He was wearing a lovely orange sweater with a tie dyed rainbow across the chest area, New Balance trainers, denim shorts but no camera. Instead around his neck was a lanyard holding his identification for the cruise ship they were visiting from, the name of which is my secret and I wouldn’t tell you even if I could remember. And you will find out why in just a few words.
Oh, a blue and white stripped bucket hat with Athens embroidered upon it was balanced atop the gentleman’s head in a manner suggesting that visit to Greece was decades ago when the hat last realistcally had any chance of fitting correctly on his bonce.
Read these descriptions one more time just to be sure you have created these images clearly in your mind before you carry on.
Got it?
Great!
Imagine my surprise when they asked me,
“Are you local?”
I was stunned into silence but they continued undeterred,
“We are looking for Kochi Castle.”
My favourite after show compliment is when I am praised for my speed of thought. I will take that one every time. I pride myself on it and think that, among other traits, it is a major reason a pro comic makes a living from comedy and isn’t just telling a circle of their friends some jokes.
So it wasn’t a shock to hear myself giving out convincing, detailed and completely made up directions to, well, somewhere. Kochi Castle? Ha, if they reached it that would have been a complete fluke.
Still stupidily amused by myself and feeling no guilt nor shame I continued my quest and found a more than decent coffee and not even in a cafe. This was found in a vending machine. A VENDING MACHINE! In a can. IN A CAN!
So excited by this discovery I spent the rest of my day in Kochi not giving Mr & Mrs Obvious a second thought. That was until I was sitting on my balcony ready to watch the sail away when the PA system let out a ‘bing bong’. I had expected to hear the captain’s usual pre departure announcement complete with full geographical coordinates, a weather report plus information on where and when the Pilot is going to hop onboard to help us out. I liked his description, I trusted the skipper and besides, for the life of me I can never ever think of a better way.
But it wasn’t the Captain’s voice.
It was the front office.
“Would Mr and Mrs ——— of cabin 7*** please call the front desk to let us know you are onboard!”
…
Comments 4
OM flipping G , was it them? Don’t keep me hanging here.
Oh Jim.
If it wasn’t them, it ain’t much of an anecdote.
Shame on you Adams, I think they were actually in Petriti, Greece the other day, still looking like tourists, and asking about castles, I directed them to see Roy, its the best castle on the island 🏝
This is brilliant, coffee in a can?? You, the Duke Of Coffee drums coffee in a can??