Across The Atlantic In 211 Hours!

I am onboard Holland America’s Oosterdam for a crossing of the Atlantic Ocean. Nine days at sea in total and eight of them are consecutive. Right now it’s the first of those eight. And by the way, when I get to Florida I jump on a plane and head back to Spain to join Oceania for, yep, one more crossing. This time from Tenerife to St John’s, a mere five full days at sea. And just for fun, after a week at home, I will fly back to Spain, Gibraltar to be precise, and get to endure (sorry, enjoy) another crossing. That one is eight full sea days!

The sea days don’t bother me in the slightest. My luggage is only ever half full of clothes with the remaining space for what I call my creature comforts: snacks, pictures, pads/pens and, naturally books. So many books.

Day 2

It’s Thursday today, the 7th of November and it’s not quite midday on the 2nd sea day of the eight it’ll take to reach Fort Lauderdale (FLL). I finished Lawrence Block’s The Specialists while enjoying terra firma for the last time in Madeira. I picked Micheal Palin’s Around The World In 80 Days to read next and I am so glad I did. It gave me the idea for this week’s Classic Adams blog, a Palinesque ‘Across The Atlantic In 211 Hours’

I worked out that from leaving Funchal at 6pm on the 5th and reaching our destination on the 14th is a total of 211 hours.

211 hours to kill.

I have already done one of my night’s ‘work’ on board so that leaves me with two shows (that’s one and a half hours, plus prep time, so max two and a half hours) plus I’ll do a coffee chat (they’re usually 40 minutes but by the time I escape the curious guests it easily reached another 60 minutes). Nine nights of sleep, something I am terrible at so my suggested total would be 50 hours, MAX, so take 53.5 hours from 211 and that leaves me 157.5 hours to kill.

Day 3 139 hours to FLL 12pm

So today I made a quite staggering discovery. I have no coffee with me. It is a rookie mistake of the highest order. The summer saw me jump from ship to ship all over the Med where good coffee is aplenty and meant I could travel without all my coffee paraphernalia.  The odd sea day without coffee is fine. I can, believe it or not, go without the hallowed bean. But not eight sea days in a row. Idiot. 

Day 4  115 hours to FLL 12pm

So far I have made these notes after the Captain’s announcement at midday each day. I should have paid more attention to the coordinates. How I’d love to understand them. There’s a book I have at home that I will bring with me for that crossing in December, Longitude by Dave Sobel.

Bad news now though. In my total of 211 hours I totally forgot that we would be gaining an hour on five of those days. I could go back and edit this, it’s an easy job and it would kill some more time, but that just wouldn’t be me. So really it is 117 hours to America. I lose and gain hours so often. I fly over time zones several times a month. I am convinced someone somewhere owes me time. I am now not sure I am 52. Although after a little thought I am happy to call it even if you can agree that I owe no one anything.

Finished Around The World In 80 Days, I signed it and left it in the library for someone else to enjoy. I spotted a Dean Koontz book, The Good Guy.

Day 5 90 (+1) hours to FLL, 3pm

Why are birthdays in numerical order. I think a random order would be much more fun. Imagine reaching your 51st year on the planet but having to act like an eight year old for the next 365 days. I think I am on to something here. I also think these sea days give me way too much spare time to think!

I just finished my second night’s ‘work’ as well which was a nice distraction but it meant I didn’t get to finish The Good Guy! It’s a proper ‘can’t put it down’ book! 

I enjoyed the Cruise Director’s (CD) comment,

 “Reading before you go on, shouldn’t you be doing some kind of warn-up?”!

Day 6 69 (+1) hours to FLL, 1pm

A day spent dodging compliments. The second show of any contract is always fun! The room is busy with people you had already made laugh joined by those who skipped the first one but have now been convinced by other guests to give me a chance. 

A few contracts ago I listened to the great Paul Baya (CD on Oceania Cruise Lines) plug my upcoming show. He used words and phrases like ‘good clean comedy’, ‘nothing vulgar’ and ‘non offensive’. I started to ask all CD’s to drop phrases like this in when they talk about me. I promise you numbers for my first shows are now bigger than ever. There are so many people put off from watching a comedian based on what they’ve been subjected to these days. 

I am constantly having ideas. I have never counted exactly how many but I do know that the vast majority of them have remained just that, ideas. I finished one idea, once: few years ago, when I self published Diary Of A Locked Down Comedian. Since my Dad died I have been writing a book about him. I’ve a coffee book idea that has a title and not much else: Oh, Places I Have Bean! (I can’t take credit for this, legendary comedian Arnold Guttbucket suggested that one.) Today I started a fourth book, Around The World In 80 Jokes. 

Day 7 46 (+1) hours to FLL 1pm

No one works seven days a week, do they? I took today off.

Day 8 23 hours to FLL 12pm

Well this is embarrassing. It’s just gone midday meaning I should be 19 hours from Fort Lauderdale but no matter how many times I add and subtract the hours and days I still end up with an extra four hours. I even used a calculator. This wouldn’t have happened to Palin.

Perhaps, the Skipper found a shortcut!

Perhaps I have more in common with Philias Fogg than I imagined.