I Wait For A Living!

You’ve waited a couple of weeks for this blog and the only reason I wrote one today was because I had some time on my hands while I waited . A lot.

Some think we get paid to perform. Some think we get paid to travel. I think we get paid to wait!

So while I was waiting I made notes for this blog that I finally got uploaded today after I had waited for Lyn to correct and improve it.

I joined Regent Seven Seas Navigator: I am giggling to myself because I got the name right. There are four words in total and three are the same on the names of every ship this line has but rarely do I get them all right, let alone in the correct order. I digress. 

I joined the vessel in Helsinki and although I was happy with a direct flight it took off at 7.30am and that meant I had to get the last train in the evening before from home to Victoria. So I was dropped off at the station and had a ten minute wait until I could board my second form of transport. Arriving on time, I wandered to a coffee shop Google had said was open. It was in fact a hotel and I could have a coffee but I’d need to book a room! However, this diversion had helped me to waste fifteen minutes. In no time I was at Victoria coach station and had one hour and forty three minutes to wait until the coach left for London’s Heathrow Airport. 

Now waiting is no issue for me. I have been a comedian for over three decades and doing ships almost as long. Waiting, killing time, whatever your preference is something I am something of an expert at.

I have books, of course, and right now I am getting through David Hepworth’s A Fabulous Creation. I also have a new book of Codewords, there is Wordscapes on my phone not to mention the much used Backgammon app and yes, on occasion, I am known to open YouTube and watch all kinds of clips that most would call a guilty pleasure. Although I agree with The Foo Fighters front man Dave Grohl who once said “I don’t believe in guilty pleasures. If you f*cking like something, like it.”

Sorry, another digression. Before I knew it, it was 2.05am and I lined up to board the coach and waited only a couple of minutes until it was time to pass my luggage to the driver and show him my right to passage. I took my seat at 2.09am , wondering how long it’d be before we left. The answer was six minutes. Right on time we started the ninety minute journey to the airport. For those of you keeping score so far I have waited for a total of a hundred and twenty eight minutes.

We reached T3 early, which would usually be good news but this efficiency meant I had even more time to kill to kill. After the eight minute walk to the departures I discovered that the only open coffee shop was in arrivals. That was only a few minutes away and by 3.51am I had my book opened and the first of two cortados in hand. I only had thirty nine minutes to wait until the bag drop opened. A bonus wait of thirty minutes ensued while a handful of us waited for the staff to show up so as we could start to do the whole process ourselves. 

Security is a breeze these days. I can’t believe I just typed that – I have just tempted the biggest of all fates. Why would I do that? Nothing has to leave your bags these days so I after I removed my belt and placed it into my bucket along with my book, pen and pad I was scanned quickly and waited only a minute to be reunited with my carry on luggage. Then it was off to Pret A Manger for two more coffees while I enjoyed more of my book and another hundred and forty minutes. My flight was due to take off at 7.30am and it’s Finnair  (these Baltic countries are arguably the most prompt and efficient nations I have ever encountered) and they didn’t let me down. Reaching my seat, nay, row on my empty flight at 7.10am, we take off from runway two (I don’t recognise the runway, the captain told me) just 25 minutes later. 

We landed ten minutes early and I joined the others passengers on a bus to the terminal and the short walk to Immigration where I figured thanks to too many other Bits I would wait for a while in the ‘All Other Passports’ line. Nope, I was next in line so that was only one more minute to wait. Happy with my answers, the immigration officers searched for an empty page in my passport, stamped it and waved me through. As I reached carousel number four, my bag was just turning the corner. I checked that it was in fact mine before I dragged it past the uninterested customers officer and made my way to Arrivals and surely the most common wait of all…The Port Agent. 

NO WAY!

The doors opened and front and centre was a suit clad teenager holding up a sign with my name on it. I laughed and exclaimed.

“I LOVE SCANDINAVIA!” 

My joy was greeted with knowing laughter and nods from all the locals standing there waiting for passengers, friends or family. I was still shaking my head in disbelief as we walked to the car before I enjoyed the ride and conversation as we drove to the downtown dock. I boarded the ship around 2.30pm local time and at 3pm I was sitting with John Ekin my great mate and boss for the week: he’s the Cruise director. He told me my show was at 9.30pm the following day. I checked my watch. It was 3.12pm so I just had to wait 1,108 minutes before I started work.

I’d rather not discuss how long I had to wait for my first laugh!